Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
