Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
