Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
