I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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