I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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