i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
