No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
