i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
