u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
