I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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