I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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