gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
