Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
