I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
