He asked me if I "almost moaned"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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