i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
