I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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