I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
