I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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