I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
