Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
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