I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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