I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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