Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
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I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
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I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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