Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
