matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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