this boner is exhausting
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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