If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
