I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
