Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
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Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
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If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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