so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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