Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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