Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
