I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
