Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
