Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
