Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
