Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
