Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
