Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
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He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
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Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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