and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
