Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
