So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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