I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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