If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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