I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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