She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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