Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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