get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
