First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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