one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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