Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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