Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
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Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
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He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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