I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
