Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
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there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
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You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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